Beastly Impropriety
by nymwise
Summary: McGonagall accepts a little challenge from a colleague...Rated PG13 for alcohol use and referential nudity. Fluffy Femmeslash All Around!


Disclaimer: I don't own them. Nor would I wish too; I have no idea what I would do with that kind of money…

Minerva McGonagall was at her wits end. Given this is not particularly unusual after a full day of teaching as any educator can attest, but for some reason today had just seemed infinitely harder to the usually more durable Deputy Headmistress. It may or may not have had something to do with Malfoy and Potter's near duel in her class which resulted in the Longbottom boy going to the hospital wing with wings and antlers. But she was; she reminded herself, trying to relax and therefore trying to forget the incident entirely.

She inwardly thanked the past faculty member who'd had the brilliant if somewhat cynical idea of putting single malt whiskey in the cabinet above the fire of the faculty lounge. Of course she realized that it was only whiskey for her, after all Filious routinely pulled out Mohitos. Damn his intervention was this afternoon; perhaps she shouldn't be tipsy for it. She sighed deeply and paused for a moment before saying, "ah bugger me." She was about to pour her very unladylike 3 o' clock shot when she was halted by the deep throated chuckle behind her. It wasn't as paternal as Albus's know it all laugh which left of course only one other person who would dare to laugh at her within earshot.

"Something amusing Xiomara?" she asked not even bothering to turn and face the Quidditch Mistress. Whom she knew full well had a snarky, swotty, holier than thou art smirk on her face. Her well tanned even in winter, elegantly high boned face with those strangely beautiful golden irises and windswept spiky grey locks, perfectly offsetting her naturally red full lips, Merlin's Ghost she was unattractive.

"Nothing you'd find amusing Minerva, beastly faculty impropriety…at 3 o' clock?" she replied sounding somewhat falsely concerned for the Deputy Headmistress. It was well known within Hogwarts that the two were irreconcilably different in personality, taste, ability and most notably propriety. It was well known that Xiomara was not above snogging the odd seventh year looking for her first same sex experience, while it was also well known that Minerva was above snogging everyone.

"3:30 by my watch." Minerva replied tersely as she finished pouring her drink.

"Your watch is off." Xiomara replied equally tersely, gazing at the large clock above the cupboard which clearly read 3:01.

"Whiskey Xiomara?" Minerva asked ignoring her companion's statement entirely and offering her a drink.

"No thank you." Was the reply as Xiomara moved away from the door and reached into the still open cabinet behind Minerva, to pluck out a rather large bottle of Cuban rum, and a glass of Muggle cola. Minerva raised one unusually snarky eyebrow.

"Rum? Are you a pirate?" she asked with what was almost a giggle.

"Whiskey? Are you Irish?" was Xiomara's answer as she sat and watched any sign of mirth flee from the suddenly very serious and permanently VERY Scottish Deputy Headmistress' features which were now a very angry shade of red. Xiomara chided herself inwardly for pushing such an obvious button; after all half the fun of these little sparring matches was their originality. She decided that she had better be the one to break the silence.

"Rough day Minerva?" she asked mixing her Rum and a few drops of coke colored flavoring, snickering at the obvious anger still in Minerva's voice as she answered.

"Something like that. Although I'll venture a guess that Neville Longbottom would say he's having a worse one." Minerva said taking a burning gulp of her drink and wincing at the effects.

"I'd venture a guess that boy hasn't yet had a day in his life where he couldn't say that. Broke both his legs last week. Sometimes I wish Sprout would just let him live in the greenhouses." She thought for a moment of her most futile pupil before taking a large gulp of her own drink.

"Well that may have something to do with his professor I would imagine." Minerva said with a delicately nonchalant sip of her drink.

"Are you implying that I cannot teach my subject Minerva? Because last I heard Longbottom wasn't exactly excelling in Transfiguration either." Xiomara replied just as delicately.

"Well Xiomara those of us who teach magic itself and not merely the use of magical implements…"

"The wand is no longer a magical implement?" Xiomara quipped still smiling. This was her favorite topic of discussion with Minerva as she was so easily baited. She loved watching Minerva grow angry as it was she was sure the only emotion the other woman was comfortable showing to others. As soon as her hard determined features began to sharpen, there was electricity behind her dark brown eyes, barely visible behind her spectacles. Hooch loved seeing her almost break her polished aloof veneer, which she always seemed to don around her.

"There is a certain level of intellectual…" Minerva began.

"Dependence upon books? I believe your favorite pupil Ms. Granger knew the ins and outs of your beloved Transfiguration before setting foot in Kings Cross and yet I still can't get the girl to mount a broom properly."

"There are those of us Xiomara who are not born with the innate ability to play chaser for the Harpies. There are those of us not born with the innate ability to study to become anything but." Minerva was now three quarters of the way done with her second whiskey and getting a little dodgy in her speech downing the last quarter of the glass in one swig.

"And yet there are those of us who could've done either." Said Hooch still smiling, starting her second Rum and coke and stepping closer to Minerva leaning on the mantelpiece.

"I don't know what you're talking about Hooch." She said.

"Oh please Minerva I've seen you on a broom, and I've seen your name on those lovely trophies in the Gryffindor common room. One of Gryffindors greatest Keepers as Dumbledore tells me."   
"Well do try to keep in mind you're going on the account of our brilliant but somewhat eccentric headmaster." Minerva said, pausing halfway through the sip following it as if asking herself if she'd really just questioned Dumbledore's judgement.

Hooch smiled over her glass and tilted her head inquisitively, forcing Minerva to notice the one stray lock of grey hair which wouldn't stay quite still, flopping gracefully over her left temple. She shook her head and took another large mouthful of whiskey.

"I've often wondered exactly what 'eccentricities' you've been privy to of his that I haven't." Hooch said with a chuckle and another sip of alcohol. Minerva grew red faced not from embarrassment, but from feeling the alcohol a little more than she was letting on.

"If you are referring to that ridiculous story that we are an item…."

"Not at all merely that you do spend more time with the old codger than anyone else. Well except perhaps Snape."

"Yes well Severus does make a painful show of it doesn't he? Being in the Headmaster's good graces. Although I suppose Dumbledore is an excellent judge of character."

"Which of course brings us back to your Quidditch prowess? Of course it doesn't really matter how good you were does it?" Xiomara took a sip of her rum; grinning wickedly and waiting the whole three and a half seconds it was going to take to get her immediate senior to fall somewhat gracelessly into her trap.

'What is that supposed to mean precisely?" Minerva asked jolting up from her drink.

"Nothing Minerva only that you're not as young as you used to be and…"

"Xiomara Hooch I'm only ten years your senior and you know that, after all you loved to bring it up when I caught you where you shouldn't be."

"Not really the point is it? I'm still better now some twenty years into retirement than you ever were. And you know that; after all you made me captain of your house team."

Minerva nearly spat out the amber liquid in her mouth, to reply furiously, "I fail to see how my eye for talent compromises my own. I could've stopped your pathetic scoring with my eyes shut and my broom hexed!" Hooch smiled over the rim of her now empty glass, she was feeling the heaviness of the alcohol she'd had but it wasn't impairing her delight at catching McGonagall unusually vulnerable.

"Care to put your money where your mouth is?" she said quietly and slightly drawn out, giggling out loud in spite of herself. Hooch was leaning dubiously against the mantel staring at Minerva waiting for her response to her challenge. Minerva seemed intrigued as she leaned back and appraised her coworker for a long moment before answering.

"What precisely do you suggest we do to test it?" she asked putting back the last of her drink and slamming the glass upon the table.

"Well it's obvious isn't it? We head out to the pitch hop on a pair of brooms and watch you flail helplessly as I score about a thousand goals through the hoops at your expense."

Minerva arched an eyebrow at Hooch as she considered this, then leaned forward leveling her eyes to meet the shorter woman's before asking, "What do I get if I stop you?"

"Personal satisfaction?" she replied, knowing full well this was not the end of negotiation.

"Not good enough."

Hooch paused for a long moment to determine the most fitting reward before smiling ruefully at Minerva and answering, "I will act as a guinea pig for your transfiguration lectures, you can turn me into whatever sundry embarrassing thing you desire."

Minerva let a very uncharacteristic giggle escape her lips, imagining her coworker as a small grey hedgehog with yellow eyes, or an unusually spiky jellyfish, before regaining her composure long enough to ask, "And if I lose?"

Hooch laughed finishing the last of her drink and smiling broadly, "You'll give control of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team to me for one year."

Minerva roused visibly at this proposition staring directly into Hooch's strange eyes while weighing her options carefully.

"Allright, but I choose the brooms; Nimbus 1800's, and you can't use your Quidditch grip charms."

Hooch smiled, "Fair enough." She said sending the alcohol and glasses back into the cabinet with a flick of her somewhat uneven wrist.

"So when do you want to do this?" Minerva asked flopping woozily back into her armchair.

"Right now." Hooch replied reaching into the wardrobe for her cloak and Minerva's.

"Nonsense you're drunk." Came Minerva's slurred reply.

"Well then I should only beat you by 100 or so points." Hooch replied handing the other woman her cloak as she jumped angrily out of the chair, and nearly fell into the fireplace.

"I'm drunk." Hooch muttered softly to herself as Minerva huffed out of the room tripping a little over the threshold and grabbing the wall for support. Hooch was about to laugh at her when a ridiculously even flagstone in the floor sent her tumbling forward into the taller woman's back.

"Watch stepping where your Hooch!" Minerva growled raising her right hand to her temple and using her left to balance the smaller woman as they walked down the hallway.

Hooch peered out the window in the corridor around them as they headed for the Grand staircase, the sun was at the peak of its westerly descent, they should have plenty of time to complete their little challenge. "Minerva what time is it?" she asked the other woman stopped and paused for a moment reaching into her robes for her timepiece when they were interrupted by a jarringly loud, "SNEHHHH!!!" from down the corridor near the stone gargoyle disguising the stairway to Dumbledore's office, Minerva nearly fell over laughing as she stuffed her timepiece back into her robes.

"It's four o' clock." She said trying to breathe and finding it difficult through the partially alcohol induced laughing fit she was currently experiencing.

Hooch gazed confusedly at her superior, "How on earth do you know that."

"Severus has just become privy to one of our headmasters lesser known eccentricities 4-5 o'clock every afternoon is 'nakey time." Hooch stared incredulously at McGonagall as she continued cackling down the hall, wondering if they really had had too much to drink; when she realized that this was something not entirely outside the realm of possibility for Dumbledore. Hooch found it increasingly difficult not to laugh at Severus' mortified shouting as they continued down the staircase and out onto the grounds.

The walk to the Quidditch pitch had been relatively quiet save for the misguided inebriated trash talking ranging from, "You fly like a squib" to "Your mother's so ugly when Snape first met her he thought he was seeing his reflection." As they summoned the previously agreed upon equipment from the storage shed McGonagall turned to Hooch for one last parting shot before take off but was unable to manage it as Xiomara soared somewhat less gracefully than usual into the air above the pitch. The smaller woman was ducking and weaving awkwardly as she sped towards the far goal posts. Minerva fought the urge to shout the insult at her retreating back and instead whisked one leg over her own broom to chase after her. the sudden jolt as she pushed off from the ground nearly sent her tumbling back onto it.

Minerva seemed to remember flying being a bit easier than this but wasn't entirely sure it was entirely the alcohol. She was after all a little rusty. She tried not to think about that as she steered her somewhat uneven broomstick towards the goal posts.

"Ready? Or should I give you some time to take your vitamins?" Hooch's taunt didn't affect Minerva as much as the younger woman would've liked it too. Nonetheless if Hooch wanted an intense showing Minerva would be more than happy to give it to her.

"Are you ready is more the question Hooch." Minerva replied hovering in front of the center goal post and raising an eyebrow in challenge. Hooch didn't respond, she began weaving in awkward lines towards the goal posts, Quaffle tucked securely under her right arm. Minerva's slightly impaired brain conjured everything she'd ever learned about defending the hoops. Right-hander usually throws slightly to the left, so move ever so slightly leftward… Minerva jerked right hard as Xiomara drew the Quaffle and fired seamlessly with her left arm. Minerva just barely tipped it with her fingers but enough to knock it away from the right-most ring.

"I believe that's one for me Xiomara." She said smirking; that had been a little too close but it was good none the less for someone who hadn't played in over a decade.

"Well I would have felt bad if you hadn't saved any at all Minerva; respect your elders y'know?" she said whipping the Quaffle hard toward the left hoop before Minerva could center herself in position again; Minerva dove hard; reached out and…missed completely. The Quaffle sailed easily over her head and through the hoop. She brought her broomstick even with a now cackling Hooch.  
"Cheap shot Xiomara." She said icily as she returned to her place before the hoops.

"Why because you couldn't have bought a save that try?" she asked raising an eyebrow and smiling.

"Here I'll even warn you this time. I'm going to attack from above allright?"

"I don't need your assistance Xiomara." Minerva spat. Her head was spinning slightly.

"No you need a lot more than that." The younger woman said shooting straight upward into the sky. This was her favorite maneuver and her signature when she'd played in the National Quidditch League. A straight dive bomb from a hundred feet above the keeper's head to a hundred feet below it shooting the Quaffle upward as you traveled towards the pitch at break neck speed. It required superior skill; an incredible throwing arm and nerves of steel to accomplish. Minerva would be watching her dive as the ball traveled through the hoop behind her.

At least that was what she had planned. As she reached about the halfway mark in her steep ascent; Hooch felt unusually lightheaded; she moved to tighten her grip but was dismayed to learn her hands had already lost contact with the broom. She felt herself entering freefall as she watched her broom continue to soar upward without its rider.

Some fifty feet below her Minerva was watching intently she knew the move her former student was about to try. She'd told her how it was done. It wasn't going to fool her. It was after the smile at this triumphant thought that Minerva noticed something was amiss. Hooch was falling fast much too fast; Minerva's blurred vision noticed a crucial second late that Hooch's broom was missing in action as the flailing body of her coworker passed by the nose of her broomstick.

Minerva didn't think at all as she entered into the steep dive after her falling adversary. The height of the goal posts was five hundred feet; that gave Minerva only a few seconds to catch up with and grab her target.

Hooch felt herself twisting in mid air to face the ground as her body spun wildly in the air. The ground was closing in terrifyingly fast. Hooch shut her eyes tightly; bracing herself for the impact. The last thought that ran through her head was the image of Minerva white with fear and guilt standing over her body. She felt something hit her hard on the side and she blacked out.

Minerva was kneeling white faced beside Hooch who was lying unconscious on the ground. Minerva hadn't had the time to get herself below the plummeting Quidditch mistress so she'd rammed her broom level underneath her somewhat gracelessly; grabbing her collar before the smaller woman could roll forward over the broom. She shook Xiomara's shoulders fiercely in a panic.

"Hooch! Hooch! Oh for the love of Merlin wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up. Oh you stupid, boorish, insufferable, beautiful, cheeky little thing wake up!" she yelled this last bit as the Gryffindor and Slytherin Sixth years walked past the pitch on their way back from Herbology. Both groups of students paused and followed the sounds of their professor's panicked shrieking. Severus Snape; on his way to the greenhouses to obtain a rare root for a potion to reverse the effects of the partial blinding charm he'd inflicted on himself at about four o'clock that afternoon, also heard the commotion and trotted as steadily as he could towards its source.

Minerva didn't notice the small crowd that was gathering behind her as she continued to shake Xiomara violently. The smaller woman remained limp for a few more shakes before Minerva stopped and despairingly began to cry.

Hooch could feel her head throbbing as she opened her eyes haltingly to find her Deputy Headmistress beginning to tear up. Another moment of illumination and she could see students and Snape running urgently toward them.

"Minerva?" she asked meaning to find out where all those people had come from. The answer she received was a little less verbose than usual as Minerva clasped her hands on either side of the woman's face and kissed her deeply in her relief. Hooch was stunned for a moment but after all it wasn't an entirely unpleasant way to end a near death experience. She kissed back.

Harry, Ron and Hermione stopped abruptly in their tracks at this new development. Ignoring Snape's loud plaintive; "SNEEEHHH!!!" of shock. Ron turned to his comrades.

"I know we just spent hours dealing with mildly hallucinogenic plants…so I have to ask…am I the only one who sees McGonagall and Hooch snogging on the Quidditch pitch?" Harry shook his head no. Hermione turned scarlet and hid her face behind her Herbology text.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again." Minerva said later in her quarters. Hooch was lying on the bed recovering. The Deputy Headmistress sitting by her side holding her hand.

"Well we shan't be playing Quidditch intoxicated in the near future I don't think." Hooch replied entangling her fingers with those of the older woman. Hooch had always wanted this; although she'd had much more preferable scenarios in her head.

"No I don't think so. The embarrassment of this one episode is enough I think. Thank Merlin Dumbledore isn't as disciplinarian as I am." She said smiling and kissing the smaller woman on the forehead.

"I woul've beaten you y'know." Hooch said smiling back.

"Well perhaps after I escort Filious to Rehab tomorrow; I'll beat you then."

"Maybe to the showers after I dispatch you with ease."

"My dear I believe you never will learn." Minerva said with a sigh.

" I blame my Professor." Hooch said, covering her face before the pillow could strike it.

Author's Note: The Snapish call of 'Oh my God your NUDE!'

The Snapish call of 'Oh sweet lord almighty they're KISSING!!"

Exp: A short short time ago in a galaxy painfully close: my friend and I were a little punchy and decided that Sneh was Snape's end all be all word. It can be used in any way, adjective, noun, verb anything at all. In this case as an expletive. The only rule to using Sneh as an expletive In fanfic is that an appendix must be used to explain the exact nature of its use. I only feel the need to explain this as it is my dearest wish that it become fanonly used. I offer below for those inclined to be interested an exact transcription of the original use of Sneh.

Recently Deceased Wildlife Show Host: Crikey! Today we'll be hunting the elusive Snape in his natural habitat: the dungeons of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Oy look at 'im stalk like a great overgrown bat down that corridor! But what's this? something's caught 'is attention! Crikey how marvelous it's an attractive female that's far too young for 'im!

::Camera zooms in on Tonks:: (yes we SAID that, I said we were punchy)

Tonks: Wuzzat?

RDWSH: Oh I think we're about to see something very special. Is it is it?...

::Snape rushes up behind the unsuspecting Tonks::

Snape: SNEEHHH!

:: Snape flourishes his robes and dashes off down the hallway::

RDWSH: It is! The Snapish mating call oh wasn't it magnificent?!

Tonks: What the F!?


End file.
